Chain Reaction (1996)

Starring:
Keanu Reeves
Morgan Freeman

Plot summary: Nuclear physicist Keanu discovers cold fusion and is pursued by black helicopters for 90 minutes.

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The best movies are ones that provoke questions. Like what if shining a laser into a tank of water while vibrating it with a high frequency sound could split the bonds and produce pure hydrogen? What if Keanu Reeves was the only man who knew how it worked? What if the CIA infiltrated and sabotaged energy research in order to maintain geopolitical stability? Why does the theme song sound just like the theme from Top Gun? These questions and many more are answered by director Andrew Davis.

Keanu is at his best when he is confused (The Matrix, Much Ado About Nothing) or traveling at great speed (Speed), which is why having Andrew Davis direct is such a good choice, being the mastermind behind The Fugitive, a film centered on Harrison Ford running away from Tommy Lee Jones. Jumping at the chance to work with Keanu, Mr. Davis sets out to make the great Keanu Running Movie.

The first stroke of genius was to cast Morgan Freeman as the foundation head funding the research project. This was the first known use of the Pair Keanu up with an Accomplished African-American Actor (PKAAAA) System, later followed to the letter using Laurence Fishburne in The Matrix and Al Pacino in The Replacements.

You might ask when you hear that Keanu unleashes limitless free energy from ordinary drinking water, "Keanu Reeves as a nuclear physicist? You have got to be kidding me. How is this potted plant supposed to be believable as a physicist?" Actually, he does not portray a physicist, rather Eddie Kasalivich, a simple machinist at the University of Chicago. Granted, he is a simple machinist with a working prototype of the free energy machine on his workbench. One day, while shining the laser beam into the water tank, he realizes that while his lathe is carving a new part, the water starts spontaneously generating hydrogen. Luckily, he keeps a synthesizer next to his workbench, and sampling his lathe, Keanu plays the one note for minutes on end taking data, becoming the Yanni of energy research.

Thus, Keanu discovers how to end world conflict by drowning the earth with free energy using only a laser, a tank of water, and a Casio keyboard. The night of the big discovery, after the drunken scientists leave, the head of the project Dr. Alistair Barkley (Nicholas Rudall, a professor at the University of Chicago making a cameo as a professor at the University of Chicago) starts to send the data to scientists worldwide. Being a professional director, Andrew Davis knows that ending conflict with free energy for all makes a good Nobel Prize, but a lousy movie. Instead, Keanu finds himself in a nightmarish black-ops conspiracy, the unfortunate fate of a full 13% of energy researchers in America.

Before Dr. Barkley can send the data, men in an unmarked van storm the building, kill him, and set the free energy machine on an unstable runaway course by replacing Keanu's frequencies with Metallica's Fade To Black. Keanu comes back to the lab after dropping off Dr. Lily Sinclair (Rachel Weisz of The Mummy fame) in order to make sure the drunken scientist got home all right and lay a foundation for future romantic interest. Keanu arrives to find his mentor suffocated with a plastic bag and the free energy machine glowing and shaking uncontrollably. Being a simple machinist, he spends a few minutes trying CPR before running out and hopping on his motorbike. The tank of water glows even brighter, eventually exploding in a mushroom cloud and destroying eight blocks of Chicago. A nuclear explosion generated by a tank of water produces no ordinary fireball, not like the kind action movie stars can outrun on foot. Luckily, Keanu has a moped.

Rather than distract the audience from enjoying Keanu run with a mystery, Andrew Davis makes it clear from the outset that Morgan Freeman, playing the funding god Paul Shannon, is evil. He argues with Dr. Barkley, he glowers in every scene, and when the team succeeds he is visibly annoyed. Once bad things start happening, the audience knows that the conspiracy goes right up to Morgan, with maybe only Dick Cheney above him. This allows everyone to relax and devote all their attention to Keanu running.

The black ops conspirators plant a bundle of cash in Keanu's apartment to frame him, along with a burst transmitter that could be used to send the data to the Red Chinese, three copies of Chairman Mao's Little Red Book, and a draft manuscript entitled "How I Betrayed My Country to the Red Chinese." With Dr. Lily also subtly implicated in the nuclear explosion, they find themselves on the run like Katharine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen, except Dr. Lily is English and Keanu can't enunciate.

The police and FBI are convinced by the mountain of evidence, so they pursue the two inside and out of the greater Chicago metro area. Keanu, being but a simple machinist, is not used to being on the run, so at various points tries to evade the Federalis by running up a drawbridge (showing a strong Blues Brothers influence, but forgetting the vital automobile) and stealing a hovercraft to pilot across a frozen lake (not the most low profile escape route). The two are never captured. A more cynical viewer might suggest that Keanu is protected by a force from on high. And he is.

The CIA, which has been secretly been funding the project through Morgan Freeman, framed Keanu and Dr. Lily, and then follows them to insure that they remain uncaptured by the law. They need Keanu alive because they need him to tell them the magic frequencies. Apparently no one wrote them down before nuking the lab.

In no particular order, Dr. Lily succumbs to hypothermia, falls for the charismatic and charming Keanu, and is captured by the CIA. Keanu remains free by fighting off four CIA spooks in a museum using a plaster bone from a Neanderthal display. Obligated by chase movie conventions to save the damsel in distress, he locates the top secret CIA lab, breaks in, and fixes their magic water reactor.

This is where Keanu truly captures the essence of his character. He is just a machinist; all he understands is maintenance. James Bond would never break into the hollowed out volcano hideout and do minor structural repairs, but Keanu is not James Bond, and God willing, never will be. Usually fixing the evil-doers' reactor is a tactical mistake, but Keanu is crafty. Right before his showdown with the evil CIA energy researchers he faxes all of the data to the FBI offices and sabotages the control mechanism he fixed.

With the runaway reaction mounting, the CIA spooks don't have enough time to shoot Keanu and Dr. Lily in the head, leaving them behind to perish in the explosion. By chance they find another way out, and Keanu helps Dr. Lily out of the tunnel system just in time. Keanu, on the other hand, is ejected from the tunnel forcibly by the explosion, becoming the first man to survive two nuclear blasts in one movie, breaking the previous record of one by Glenn Langan in The Amazing Colossal Man.

And as we fade out on the scene, one simple machinist has made the world safe for love at the same time he puts Big Oil, Big Coal, and even Big Solar out of business using a tank of water, a laser, and a Casio. I would have to say that Chain Reaction is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Road House (1989)

Starring:
Patrick Swayze
Sam Elliott

Plot summary: Patrick Swayze cleans up a small town bar

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As the 1980s drew to a close, Hollywood sought to capture the beauty, dignity, and majesty of the decade on film. Road House was the result. Director Rowdy Herrington adapts the classic tale of a powerful warrior hired to protect a poor village to the modern equivalent of barroom bouncers. This update of Kurosawa's Seven Samurai celebrates not feudal Japan, but Reagan's America. This period piece opens with the credits in hot pink, the official color of the 1980s, and boasts the Jeff Healy Band, a one hit wonder rock band (for music fans, it was Angel Eyes).

Patrick Swayze portrays the bouncer Dalton, the epitome of all that was good and decent about the Eighties. His pompadour has the lush volume any action hero would desire. He wears blue jeans that are tight enough to be a felony in several states. He has only one name. We begin with Patrick in a big city bar, paid well and looking good, but missing something in his life. Frank Tilghman, played by veteran bit-player Kevin Tighe, gives him this new purpose when he offers Patrick a chance to clean up his bar, The Double Deuce, out in the bustling town of Jasper.

Much like a great actor will shun his craft for an opportunity to direct a frightfully bad movie, Patrick jumps at the opportunity to run the security team at this podunk truck stop of a bar. He throws all of his belongings in his Mercedes and gives his other Mercedes to a homeless man living outside his apartment, thus illustrating the trickle down theory in action.

We first see the Double Deuce along with Patrick, and what a sight. Men throw beer bottles, women strip on tables, and the band plays behind a chicken wire cage. This would be the featured Jeff Healy Band, with the blind Jeff Healy playing lead guitar and vocals. First it should be noted that the Double Deuce is so rough a bar that men throw beer bottles at a blind man. Second it should be noted that the Jeff Healy Band play the Double Deuce every night. I think they sleep in a bunk bed out back. If you find the town of Jasper, they may still be playing there.

Frank puts Patrick in charge of the bar, and in the customs of the time, Patrick immediately begins firing people. The waitress for dealing drugs, the bartender for stealing out of the till, and the former head bouncer for being the former head bouncer. Patrick is not merely a bouncer, but follows the Eighties tradition of coming up with a cooler name for his mundane profession, which ironically is a "cooler." Irony was also very popular in the decade. Then he gives his bouncer minions a briefing that Quentin Tarantino would borrow heavily from for Reservoir Dogs. It consists of the three rules:

1. Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. It is implied that his bouncer minions are also supposed to give 110%, realize there is no I in team, and win just one for the Gipper.
2. Take it outside. This is because the lighting is much better outside.
3. Be nice. This is because Patrick Swayze is a pretty action star. Unlike the Bruce Willises of the world, who must be brutal to overcome their obscene ugliness, the Swayzes and in some cases the Mel Gibsons can afford to be gentle ass kickers. Luckily this gives us the opportunity to see his bouncer minions get punched several times in the face before they intervene.

Patrick Swayze is a cooler with a philosophy. The philosophy is summed up as "it's my way or the highway," all the more powerful as a mantra because it rhymes. As you can imagine, his character does have a degree in philosophy, from NYU. The director finds small but significant ways to enshrine the Eighties, when 47% of philosophy graduates held jobs in the alcohol and alcohol-related industries.

Also very popular in the decade was watered-down Zen minimalism. Patrick embraces this philosophy in everything he does. When he enjoys the stylings of the Jeff Healy Band, he only nods his head in a vaguely self-assured manner. When a brawl is about to break out, he does nothing until absolutely necessary, such as after he has been stabbed. He also uses the philosophy in the management of his bouncer minions. They see a bad situation and look over at him as if to ask, "Should I go over here and get my ass beat?" Patrick just nods, effectively saying, "Yes, go over there and have him beat on you for a few minutes, and then I'll be over to help when he gets winded." Large barroom brawls go on for so long without him doing anything that you know when he does do something it will be cool. And when he does join the fray, you know it is cool, because Patrick does it in slow motion.

The problem Rowdy Herrington faces with telling the gripping story of a cooler trying to clean up a bar is that there is no villain among the drunken hicks of Jasper. But what if the drunken hicks were somehow part of a master plan to take over the Double Deuce, and therefore control the drinking industry of Jasper? Enter Brad Wesley as portrayed by Ben Gazzara, who would go on to play Jackie Treehorn in The Big Lebowski almost a decade later.

Brad represents the worst of the 1980s. He buys fast cars but drives them recklessly instead of giving them to the homeless. He amasses a fortune in business but uses it to manipulate and terrorize a small town instead of using it to amass a greater fortune. He makes grandiose boasts to Patrick like, "JC Penny's is coming here because of me." This kind of influence over bargain department store chains combined with his apparent control of all liquor within hundreds of miles of the Double Deuce has given him an iron grip on the town.

The director has a delicate task in making sure the Brad and Patrick cross paths in such a way that they are destined to have a final showdown. Patrick rents a place from a poor backwoodsman named Emmet, played by Sunshine Parker (whose previous roles include "Old Codger" in Any Which Way You Can, "Hobo" in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and "Old Drunkard" in Double Revenge) in a rare role where his character has a name. Emmet lives across the lake from Brad's 24-hour party mansion; he and Patrick are constantly inconvenienced by the debauchery.

Brad Wesley may have control of all alcohol everywhere and the rest of the town in his back pocket, but Frank Tilghman has the best bouncer/cooler in the world. Some people may be surprised that Patrick is the world's best cooler, not because of any shortcomings Mr. Swayze may have, but because it is hard to conceive of the cooler industry as one with an international ranking system. But within about a week of working at the Double Deuce, Patrick has gotten rid of the fighters, convinced the women to dance on the floor with their clothes on, installed new lighting, rebuilt the sound stage, put in some pool tables, and improved the clientele by busing in upper middle class patrons to replace Jasper's undesirables. This may seem difficult to believe since Patrick is only one man, but his best friend Wade (played by another future Big Lebowski star Sam Elliott) appears mid-movie to help him, who happens to be the #2 bouncer in the world.

Brad is infuriated by this, launching a campaign of retribution against the innocent, non-alcohol industry working people of Jasper. He destroys a used car lot that was late on its protection payments using a monster truck (the Official Absurd Vehicle of the Eighties), possibly the best monster truck movie sequence ever. He then unleashes his henchman Jimmy the greasy punk, played by the always delightful television movie actor Marshall R. Teague. He wears a cross earring to symbolize the rise of extreme evangelicalism that sought to destroy the raw, tight-pantsed sexuality as embodied by Patrick Swayze. Jimmy the greasy punk is an arsonist/martial arts expert, and sets fire to an auto parts store, which judging from the 30-foot fireball, unfortunately seems to have been storing high explosives in the back room.

Patrick senses that the final confrontation is approaching, so he begins training, which involves a lot of punching bag work and rope climbing. It is not well known that bouncer training looks a lot like junior high gym class. Sam Elliott counsels Patrick, finally convincing him that the worthless town of Jasper is not worth dying for. This is right before Brad Wesley has him savagely beaten and killed, thus threatening to cripple the movie by removing 75% of the acting talent.

In the middle of the night, Patrick awakens to find Emmet's house on fire. After the house explodes, Patrick spots Jimmy the greasy punk getting away on a motorbike. To anyone who remembers that Patrick is the greatest bouncer in the entire world, it should be no surprise that he runs the arsonist down, dragging him off the bike. They fight hand to hand for a few minutes, until Jimmy the greasy punk announces, "I'm going to kill you the old-fashioned way," and pulls out a gun. I don't understand it, but I love it. Patrick is able to kick the gun away, and in a triumph of good over evil, kills him in what could be argued as self-defense.

Patrick, now that his best friend is dead and his rental home has exploded, must destroy the evil empire of Brad Wesley. Brad's home is guarded by four gunmen, while Patrick is armed only with his cunning and his Mercedes with a brick on the accelerator as a diversion. Inside the house, he is able to take all four of them down by using one as a human shield, shooting two of them, and dropping a stuffed polar bear on the last.

In the final showdown with Brad Wesley, Patrick shoots him in the leg, but can't finish him off in cold blood. He reveals his tragic flaw to be his utter incompetence when he turns his back on the arch-villain, who promptly pulls a gun. But just when we think all is lost, Patrick is saved by the Deus Ex Emmet, as he leads the shotgun-toting villagers to slaughter Brad Wesley, JC Penney's or no JC Penney's.

When the sheriff arrives to deal with the dead bodies, each of the villagers says poignantly, "I didn't see anything." And as the code of silence once again protects the American Heartland from proper legal investigation, we fade out, leaving the world's greatest bouncer to find another town to right the wrongs and win the hearts of the common folk. I would have to say that Road House is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Bloodsport (1988)

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Plot Summary: Uh, he kicks the shit out of people. Have you never seen a Van Damme movie?

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When he's not fighting his twin brother/clone in a Freudian case study or playing a cyborg, Jean-Claude Van Damme can be found kickboxing. Directors have found that if you leave a camera on him kickboxing for a couple hours you've got yourself the better part of a movie. Most of the time, that movie is complete crap. But if you get the right setting, storyline, and supporting cast, genius is created. Bloodsport is just such a movie, a film that blends together the timeless themes of honor, kickboxing, and latent homosexuality.

The movie opens with Jean-Claude plays Frank Dux, on leave from the Army to fight in the proud, historic, and most of all, brutal full-contact martial-arts tournament known as the Kumite. He visits his dying instructor, Senzo Tanaka, played by Roy Chiao who shows great range in being able to look Japanese. Jean-Claude flashes back and forth between his first encounter with Senzo, the death of Senzo's son, and the subsequent training of Jean-Claude as an honorary Japanese. This unprecedented fifteen-minute, three-level flashback brings the audience a sense of plot development, and temporal disorientation, that is missing in most martial arts movies.

Karate training in the Shidoshi clan is based on getting beaten savagely while blindfolded. Jean-Claude's senses are gradually sharpened until he can learn no more from being kicked in the face while blindfolded. At that point Jean-Claude learns about the proud culture of the Shidoshi clan by performing the tea ceremony for Senzo and his wife. Blindfolded.

Jean-Claude flies to Hong Kong in search of the ancient tournament, held in a rat's nest in the warehouse district. On a bus he meets Donald Gibb, building on his role as Ogre in the Revenge of the Nerds franchise, portraying Ray Jackson. There is instant friction after Jean-Claude interferes with Ogre's attempts to sexually harass a Chinese girl on the bus. In an exchange dripping with homosexual tension, Ogre asks Jean-Claude, "Aren't you a little young for full contact?" Although some may call that a stretch, the exact same line is used in Turkish Prison 4: Sensual Awakening. Using the time-honored male bonding ritual of video game karate, the two become fast friends. Ogre reveals he is also participating in the Kumite, representing the drunken Irish brawling fighting style.

The next day Jean-Claude, dressed in a scoop neck shirt designed to show off maximum cleavage, has his qualifications questioned at the registration desk for the illegal, shadowy martial arts tournament. In a classic example of martial-arts reverse discrimination, Jean-Claude is decreed too Belgian to represent the Shidoshi clan. He must prove his qualifications by performing the famous Shidoshi "death touch." Jean-Claude strikes a stack of five bricks, causing the bottom brick to explode in slow motion. Chong Li (played ably by Bolo Yeung), a Chinese man more top-heavy than Pamela Anderson, mocks him in broken English, "Very good, but brick not hit back." Reportedly, Chong Li actually ad-libbed that line.

Registration day over, Jean-Claude hits the hotel bar where some of the extras are harassing a blonde reporter named Janice, played by veteran television guest star Leah Ayres. Jean-Claude comes to her rescue by wagering her in a game of "I Bet This Human Being's Life I Can Grab a Coin out of Your Hand." Luckily, Tanaka trained Jean-Claude to grab goldfish out of a pond just for this occasion. Jean-Claude, using nothing more than rudimentary camera tricks, is able to not only grab the coin out of the extra's hand, but replace it with another coin. His powers confirmed, the others back down, winning the girl's freedom and a date the next night.

The tournament starts the next day. While two of the extras fight, the rules are explained. Two men beat the living snot out of each other until (a) one of them is knocked unconscious, or (b) one of them resigns and screams, "Mate!" which translates roughly to "You have shattered my pelvis! Please cease and desist." Director Newt Arnold makes a bold decision to use the 80s power ballad to set the tone for the first martial arts montage. Normally the power ballad is used to alert the audience that the scene contains deep emotions, sweet loving, a motorcycle, or any combination of the three. This is the only documented case of using the power ballad for watching extras getting brutally beaten.

Chong Li steals the scene. In fact, he damn near steals the whole movie despite the skilled kickboxing of Jean-Claude. Chong Li is a student of American film, and so understands that he holds special privileges due to having the largest breasts in the cast. His bulging eyes and dancing pecs are intimidating while stopping just short of cartoonish, and his skilled voice mechanics enhance the martial arts experience by making himself sound poorly dubbed.

After Day One Jean-Claude encounters the sub-plot in the form of two army investigators Helmer and Rawlins, played by Norman Burton (who played Felix Leiter in Diamonds Are Forever) and Forest Whitaker (fresh off his successes in Good Morning Vietnam), who were cast in order to fulfill the demand by the Screen Actors Guild that some actors be used in the film. The two serve as a kind of black and white buddy cop device, except that they play the role completely straight, reminiscent of Slim Pickens' role in Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.

They demand that Jean-Claude withdraw from the tournament and return to his post, and have tasers to ensure his cooperation. All seems lost, but Ogre comes barreling to the rescue, knocking over both men and half the set. This gives Jean-Claude a chance to start a chase scene through the alleys, streets, and docks of Hong Kong, complete with a chase-scene power ballad. Jean-Claude evades them in time to make his date with, and get in the pants of, Janice the Blonde Reporter.

Day Two of the tournament opens with several matches between extras, which are rather exciting since you don't know which one is going to win. Jean-Claude is called to fight a big fat Chinese guy who is impervious to all attacks except a punch right square in the groin. The crowd roars wildly for Jean-Claude after the mighty groin punch, and Janice the Blonde Reporter looks at him with a mixture of awe and admiration.

Then Ogre meets the fate of most best friends in action movies. After knocking Chong Li down, he commits hubris. Instead of jumping repeatedly on Chong Li's neck, face, or genitals, he prances around the ring in an excess of pride worthy of Sophocles or the WWF. Chong Li rises, snaps Ogre's neck, and in the ultimate insult, steals his Harley-Davidson bandana.

We cut to Jean-Claude and Janice the Blonde Reporter at the hospital bed of Ogre. Jean-Claude promises vengeance, but Janice is concerned that Chong Li's kung fu is more powerful than his. Jean-Claude finds himself torn - on the one hand, Ogre has been his closest friend for almost three days, and on the other, Janice has some sweet ass. He contemplates his next move the only way Jean-Claude can: by flexing his muscles and doing the splits on the rooftop of a skyscraper to a stirring power ballad.

Everywhere Jean-Claude goes, he is haunted by the image of Chong Li - in the crowds in Hong Kong, in the reflections in a subway window. At last the final match comes. Jean-Claude, who has been wearing less and less in each fight, now sports a pair of bike shorts. Chong Li and Jean-Claude flex menacingly at each other. It's kind of like a gladiator movie starring Harvey Fierstein and Nathan Lane, except with more homosexual tension.

Jean-Claude proves too much for Chong Li, so the wily Asian crumbles a white pill of magic blinding powder into his hands. He blows the talcum powder into Jean-Claude's face, blurring out his vision completely. Although this is apparently legal in the Kumite, Jean-Claude is able to fall back on his blindfolded tea ceremony training and beat the living snot out of Chong Li. He forces him to yell "Mate," thus winning the biggest victory for the white man in a harsh Asian world since the Opium Wars.

Back at the hospital, Ogre has recovered in time to hear Jean-Claude's story of triumph. Jean-Claude returns the bandana, coyly saying, "Next time you fight, remember to keep your clothes on." Ogre looks back at him with misty eyes and says, "Any time, any place." The director resists the urge to overdirect, and merely implies the heartfelt "I love you."

Bloodsport has ass-whooping, romance, more ass-whooping, and the deep bond that only men who fight each other half-naked can understand. I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.

Son of Blob (Beware the Blob) (1972)

Starring: Dick Van Patten

Plot summary: The Blob is back! Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

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The Blob (1958) was a fine movie, but by 1972 cherry jello was only so frightening. The American people needed a man, a man with vision, to update the science fiction classic to the go-go philosophy of the 1970s. Enter Larry Hagman, in between "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Dallas," to come in to direct the film that is truly, the sequel to The Blob.

The first hurdle JR had was casting the lead role. The original had Steve McQueen, but Hagman was able to land Robert Walker Jr. to play the teenager no one will believe. Maybe Captain Nelson didn't have the big names, but the scrappy director saw opportunities for improvement on the Blob franchise. The original Blob just sort of oozed. Boring. The original Blob attacked people. Predictable. The original Blob didn't set intricate traps for its victims. Unimaginative.

This Blob is a newer, hipper, more virile Blob. The opening credits play over footage of a kitten playing in a field. A cute little kitten, frolicking about. You think, no, they couldn't. That kitten can't suffer a horribly slow death consumed by a gelatinous blob not of this earth right after the credits finish. And it doesn't.

Instead we meet Chester and Mariane Hargis. Chester is a scientist returning from the Arctic, where he took a core sample of the 1958 Blob. Following standard operating procedure for scientific expeditions in the Arctic, he stores it in a thermos, brings it home and places it in the freezer, next to the ice cream. Mariane moves the thermos to the counter to put away the vegetables and forgets about it, wandering off to wrap a present for a friend's birthday. Soon the chunk of Blob thaws, pops off the lid, and escapes outside to play with the kitten.

Chester and Mariane are a nice young couple, but unfortunately, they are a young black couple in a monster movie. You like them, they even have a rather hip soul theme song, but the MPAA code is very strict on African American co-stars in early plot points of monster and/or action movies. Mariane walks out to look for the kitten, when the Blob comes out around the corner. Lurking. He sneaks up on her, then lunges.

Here is the departure from the 1958 Blob. Here is the genius that only JR Ewing possesses. The Blob is hip, imaginative, and dare I say it, pro-active. After digesting Mariane, the Blob oozes through the screen door to find Chester. While Chester is adjusting the rabbit ears, the Blob coats the easy chair, turning it into a recliner of slow death. It is a shame to be the second human to leave the film, but at least Chester falls victim to a scheme worthy of a James Bond villain.

The Blob goes off on a rampage, oozing throughout town destroying man and beast in new and inventive ways. While an ambiguous hairstylist washes his customer's hair, the Blob comes up the drain, turning the salon sink into a rinse of slow death. A fez-sporting Turk is taking a bath and sees his little dog eaten by the Blob, scaring him so deeply that he runs from his house without removing his fez or putting anything else on. In a barn the Blob relaxes below the chickens, accepting an almost disturbingly rapid stream of eggs before rising to claim the chickens as well. The Blob kills a costume party gorilla by blocking the road and enticing him to drive his hot rod at full speed into the enormous gelatinous mess. The Blob even cuts short the cameo of Dick Van Patten as a homosexual scout leader.

Meanwhile, we meet the main characters. These are the people with more than two lines, at this point consisting of Bobby (Robert Walker Jr.) and Lisa (Gwynne Gilford). Lisa has seen the Blob early on in the film, when it was just about the same size and shape as Chester, but Bobby just thinks his girlfriend is completely insane. He's polite though, and realizes the error of his ways when the Blob surprises them in their big ass yellow Chevrolet Jimmy. It envelops the Jimmy, and while the two kids panic and run laps inside the SUV they accidentally trip the air conditioning. The Blob retreats in pain, and the kids drive off, so psychologically strained by the experience that they completely forget that cold stops the Blob.

Bobby and Lisa attempt to warn the authorities, but Sheriff Jones (Richard Webb) simply refuses to believe that an enormous gelatinous entity from beyond the stars is consuming every living thing in the small town. Besides, just about everyone is at the bowling alley for a grand tournament or something, so anyone missing is probably just down there. Bobby and Lisa realize the horrible, horrible plot point that could develop, and rush off to the bowling alley to prevent mayhem. Unfortunately, the Blob has also heard the news, and oozes off to meet them.

Edward Fazio (Richard Stahl of Love Boat, High Anxiety, and various softcore pornography) is the true victim. Early in the film, the downtrodden bowling alley owner gets run off the road by the crazy teenagers, and suffers deep scratches all over his paint job. Later, in the middle of unloading crates of soda bottles from his badly scratched car, the teenagers once again cross paths with him, and barrel right over his bottles when he can't move them out of the way fast enough for them to warn the town of the impending doom. So much senseless damage, and no hope that the crazy kids will pay restitution.

So there they are, Bobby and Lisa, trying to warn people of imminent carnage despite a sheriff's department that doesn't believe them and a bowling alley owner that they have inadvertently tormented more than anyone in the town has been tormented. With the exception of the Blob victims.

The Blob enters through a window in the back of the bowling alley, just as two pinmonkeys are crawling up inside to fix the pinsetter. Pinmonkeys. Huh. The Blob corners the pinmonkeys and consumes them. It makes you wonder if maybe, just maybe, the Blob somehow sabotaged the pinsetter as part of the master plan. Just one of the questions that Captain Nelson provokes with his film, such as, "What has he got against animals?"

The kids warn everyone in the bowling alley that a giant red glop of gelatin is loose in the town, yet not a single person will believe them. Once the Blob comes oozing up the back of the lanes, though, the kids gain credibility and the sheriff is called in after most everyone in the alley has stampeded to freedom. The sheriff and his deputy go in with sawed off shotguns to defeat the Blob and save the last people stuck in the building, Bobby, Lisa, and Edward. The three have been cornered in the announcer's booth above the closed ice rink, and scream for assistance over the PA system. With their help the sheriff and deputy find the Blob and start shooting. Strangely enough, gunfire has little effect on jello and the deputy is consumed. The sheriff beats a tactical retreat the hell outside and prepares for Plan B. Plan B is waiting for the first indication that the people inside are dead, then dousing the building with gasoline and burning it to the ground. The PA shorts out, and the cops start the arson preparations.

Unaware that the sheriff's department has committed to their fiery death, the kids and poor Edward panic in the booth while the Blob attempts to enter through the number of cracks and holes in the floor. They knock open a cooler, scattering ice onto the floor and the rising Blob. This causes the Blob to retreat again. Cause and effect finally become clear in Bobby's mind, as well as the fact that they are trapped with the Blob in an ice rink. Bobby must make it to the control box on the other side of the rink. Luckily, there is a large network of ropes and cables attached to the ceiling, and Bobby starts scampering to freedom. The Blob tries to climb the ropes to stop him, but is as successful as most gym students. Bobby reaches the power switch to the freezing coils just as the Blob starts lunging towards him. Luckily, the ice rink is designed to freeze on a moment's notice, and freezes all twenty tons of Blob in just under two seconds, turning the red jello monster into so much meringue. Bobby walks out triumphantly, declaring, "It's going to be a better world without that thing," and completely ignoring the pain of Edward Fazio, "Who is going to pay for all this?" Who is going to pay for all of this, indeed.

I feel that as a public servant, it is my duty to make this announcement. Should any of you readers out there find yourself about to be interviewed regarding the destruction of a large alien life form, especially a blob-like alien life form, do not allow the reporter to interview you standing on the alien corpse. He or she will tell you it will make a great shot, but tell him or her to go screw him or herself. An alien is by definition life unlike you have ever seen, so how can you be sure you did not merely incapacitate it? Case in point: The reporter interviews Sheriff Jones atop the giant meringue that was once the Blob. Tragically, the hubris of interviewing atop the dispatched alien becomes evident when the hot stage light thaws the Blob, quickly flowing to the sheriff's boot. Sheriff Jones looks up to the camera and delivers a final line that has not yet gained the appreciation of a "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," or "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!" but in years to come will gain proper respect: "What?"

In conclusion, I would have to say this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.