Starring:
Tom Hanks
Meg Ryan
Meg Ryan
Meg Ryan
Lloyd Bridges
Robert Stack
Abe Vigoda
Plot summary: Tom Hanks tries to save Abe Vigoda's tropical island by jumping in a volcano.
People always talk about how great an actor Tom Hanks is, and with good reason. Ever devoted to his roles, he lost 200 pounds for his role in Castaway, became an alcoholic for A League of Their Own, and underwent a slight lobotomy to play Forrest Gump. But this overlooks his earlier works, such as Joe Versus the Volcano, the greatest movie he ever made.
This movie also stars Meg Ryan, Meg Ryan, and Meg Ryan in a rare triple role, reminiscent of Alec Guiness, Peter Sellers, or Eddie Murphy. We see her as a brunette, redhead, and blonde, covering all the Meg Ryan fantasy bases. We start with Meg Ryan the dull, a mousy brunette named DeDe working in Tom Hanks' office.
A shaggy mulleted Tom Hanks plays Joe Banks, who works for a rectal probe factory where he keeps track of the catalogues. I guess it could be worse. In this nightmare of equal parts 1984, Brazil and The Desk Set, modern office workers get a glimpse of how bad things would be without cubicles, having to stare at your fellow doomed keyboard jockeys. It employs the seven shades of ugly lit by fluorescent lighting set to four or five cycles per second. The coat rack is broken, the non dairy creamer resembles chalk, and his boss, played by consummate loud bastard Dan Hedaya, does nothing but scream. Tom deals with this madness by doing nothing, save wallowing in a severe hypochondria. A distant cousin of mine that no longer gets invited to the family reunions (or so I hear) once said, "Apathy is next to godliness." Tom lives this life to Platonic perfection, not even bothering to half ass his job between his constant medical appointments.
Tom goes to see Dr. Ellison, played by Robert Stack. Another big time Hollywood actor, Robert has worked for 60 years in over 80 films, and is best known today as that guy who wore two pairs of sunglasses in Airplane. Robert tells Tom that due to a "brain cloud" Tom has but six months to live. Hitting Tom like a bolt of lightning, the realization sets him free: now he doesn't have to give a shit for the rest of his life.
He starts by going back to the office of doom. He busts some shit up and grabs a mannequin arm off of his boss's desk. He proceeds to smack his boss around in a manner almost like the Three Stooges except funny, acting out the all-American fantasy of beating the crap out of Dan Hedaya with a mannequin arm. Tom then asks Meg out. His newfound free spiritedness intoxicates her, and he has everything going for him back at his place until he makes the all too common mistake of telling her he has six months to live. Not willing to sleep with him after hearing the news, she leaves our hero with his thoughts.
Like all good slackers, Tom sits around and waits for something to happen. Lloyd Bridges happens. Lloyd Bridges, well known from Airplane as well as Hot Shots Part Deux, has been Hollywood's best senile method actor since 1987. Here he plays Samuel Graynamore, capitalist oppressor. He offers Tom a chance to jump into a volcano (the "Woo") in order to appease the angry gods so he can buy superconductor raw materials off of the orange soda loving inhabitants of the seismically threatened South Pacific island of Waponi-Woo. Tom contemplates, and says, "Alright, I'll do it," with a heroic shrug.
In exchange for this Tom gets to run up Graynamore's gold card in New York, cavort for a day in LA, and then take his yacht to Waponi-Woo. When Tom realizes he lacks the will to decide on a new look, Marshall the limo driver helps him on with some Banana Republic clothes and off with the shaggy mullet in sort of a Pretty Woman thing without the oral sex. Tom also discovers the perfect luggage, an important message of the film. He finds a hand crafted steamer trunk, water tight, indestructible- the luggage of the gods.
Tom lands in LA, and meeting him at the airport is the second coming of Meg: Meg Ryan the space cadet. Here we encounter the universal dream of a second chance, as well as the universal dream of finding a cute girl who is not so uptight about the brain cloud thing. Graynamore's daughter, artist, and imagist poet, Meg Ryan the space cadet has it all, plus she's a redhead. We learn that in addition to that sweet Southern accent we saw in Top Gun, she is also capable of some form of accent that may be Southern Californian. At the end of the evening she drives him back to his hotel and offers to come up, but Tom turns down her offer of hot monkey lovin, proving that sometimes the girl is just too damned stupid.
The next morning Meg Ryan the space cadet delivers Tom to the docks, where she turns him over to Meg Ryan the feisty and self confident but somehow sensitive and alluring. This illustrates the universal dream of a third chance as well as the universal dream of that cute girl not being such a mental freak job. On the yacht, they fish, bicker, and fall in love during one particularly eventful day. Sadly, a typhoon ruins their fifteen day tour, their fifteen day tour, and Tom jumps overboard to save Meg after she gets washed over the side. Holding her unconscious body, he watches the boat snap in half like the model it really is.
The luggage survives the sinking and Tom lashes them together to make a nice, roomy raft. Tom uses the only water he packed to keep Meg the feisty alive, while he is driven mad by dehydration and executive stress toys. Meg finally awakens, and they float straight to Waponi-Woo. Sometimes life is just funny that way.
Here on Waponi-Woo, we meet the chief. Through the genius that only the insane can wield effectively, Abe Vigoda is cast in the role. Everything that has transpired thus far is prelude to this man. I mean, Tom and Meg are lovely, no doubt, but let's face it, Mr. Vigoda is delightful in everything he does. From Tessio in The Godfather to Otis in Good Burger, Mr. Vigoda is cinema gold. They have a grand feast rivaled only by the Ewok celebration in Jedi, at the end of which Tom declares, "Take me to the volcano!"
Meg is rather annoyed by her newfound love's desire for suicide, so she chases after the procession to force him to see reason. At the mouth of the Woo, she tells him she loves him. He tells her he loves her, but her timing is lousy. As he gets ready to jump, she proposes. Mr. Vigoda is called forward to conduct the ceremony. "You want to marry her? You want to marry him? You're married." After stealing yet another scene, Mr. Vigoda retreats to the background, a consummate professional.
Tom decides he is going to jump since he came out this way and might as well, and Meg decides to join him. Tom brings apathy into everything he does. He transcends acting as though his character doesn't care to the point that you can believe that he himself truly doesn't care. They jump. A blast from the volcano shoots them high into the sky and towards the open ocean. Luckily, gravity forgets to accelerate them to the speeds where hitting the water is equivalent to hitting concrete. The flaming hot jet also forgets to scorch their flesh. With even the basic laws of physics and reason feeling indifferent, our couple splashes down gently into the South Pacific.
In the movie's tragic climax, the two turn around and watch the Woo erupt and sink the island, striking down Mr. Vigoda in his prime. Several hundred villagers are also presumed dead. Apparently, the luggage was also fired into the air moments before Tom and Meg were, since the four pieces of luggage pop to the surface about fifteen feet away from them. Again, life is just funny sometimes.
A few pieces of bungee later, the two are floating again. Tom explains to Meg that their marriage is doomed because of his brain cloud, and Meg explains to Tom that he is a flaming moron for believing that there is such a medical condition as a brain cloud. Meg has spoken, Tom will live. We close the movie on the universal dream of a second chance at life. As well as the universal dream of being stranded without food or water, floating on luggage in the South Pacific with a feisty blonde Meg Ryan.
We learn that the most powerful force in the world is not hope, love, nor money. It is apathy and possibly good luggage. A useful moral and Mr. Vigoda? I would have to say that Joe Versus the Volcano is the greatest movie I have ever seen.
3 comments:
"I have no response to that"
I love the luggage salesman.
"Very exciting...as a luggage problem!"
I enjoyed the limo driver.
"I have no response to that" is a very useful line.
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