Starring:
Kevin Sorbo
Tia Carrere
Harvey Fierstein
Plot Summary: Arnold Schwarzenegger is back, and this time he's Kevin Sorbo!
The late 1990s are remembered today as the Age of the Scantily Clad Medieval Warrior. Hercules and Xena dominated the cable television landscape, and the big screen created a household name in Kull the Conqueror. John Nicolella of Miami Vice and Melrose Place fame directs a broadsword-and-hard-rock fusion piece that would someday claim A Knight's Tale in its heritage.
Kevin Sorbo, in between Hercules and Andromeda, stars as the title character Kull, an axe-wielding barbarian. We open on a vast battle featuring flaming torches and nondescript heavy metal music. It seems to be a half-naked Sorbo single-handedly fighting a small army, but we quickly learn that Sorbo is in fact trying to prove himself worthy to join the Royal Guard of Valusia. Apparently the kingdom holds an open tryout day. General Taligaro, played by a Thomas Ian Griffith best known for being the bad guy in Karate Kid III, accepts Sorbo's application and hands him a sword - the only weapon worthy of the Royal Guard.
Almost immediately a messenger arrives at the battle arena to give word that the king has gone full-tilt wacko and has been slaughtering the heirs to the throne. Sorbo joins the rush to the palace, and eventually fatally wounds the king, portrayed by Sven-Ole Thorsen, who holds the honor of appearing in no fewer than eleven Arnold Schwarzenegger films. King Nutjob I, fulfilling an ancient Valusian prophecy that whoever puts the sword in the king shall be king, gives the crown to Sorbo.
This legally-binding transfer of power displeases the two heirs that survived the massacre, General Taligaro and Ducalon, a weasely nobleman played by noted weasely actor Douglas Henshall. They pledge loyalty to the King Sorbo, then hurry off to plan his death. An assassination attempt fails at the coronation when their would-be assassin begins his war cry way too early considering he was rushing at King Sorbo with a sword.
Meanwhile, King Sorbo recognizes a former fortune-teller in his harem, the lovely and talented Zareta, played by the oddly-accented Karina Lombard. She reads his fortune for him and then resists his advances with passive-aggressive boredom. King Sorbo for his part tries to explain that he wants his women to be willing while trying to force himself on her. The uncomfortably awkward romantic scene ends with Zareta storming off and King Sorbo left with no companionship except the other twenty harem girls.
Frustrated by Zareta, King Sorbo tries to free the slaves of the kingdom and establish freedom of worship. Before he is able to implement a minimum wage and independent judiciary, the high priests explain to King Sorbo that all laws in Valusia are etched into a giant bronze slab in the palace, and he is not allowed to change any of them. Shackled by the limitations of constitutional monarchy, King Sorbo nonetheless is able to convince Zareta of his noble intentions, and she agrees to assist him in the court.
After the failed assassination attempt, and presumably after they rule out any attempts using bows and arrows, Taligaro and Ducalon, the Mutt and Jeff of palace intrigue, meet the wizard Enaros (Princess Caraboo veteran Edward Tudor-Pole). Enaros, hideously scarred and blind in one eye due to about half a pound of fleshtone putty, is the keeper of an ancient temple containing the remains of Akivasha, the evil sorceress queen now dead for 3000 years. The three plot to reawaken Akivasha to wrest control of the throne from King Sorbo.
With the assistance of his apelike henchman that seems to be the grown-up Cha-Ka from Land of the Lost, Enaros casts a spell that changes Akivasha from the Cryptkeeper to a slightly stoned, redheaded Tia Carrere. Passed off as Ducalon's niece at the palace, we learn that the court doesn't keep track of the royal bloodlines too closely and/or Ducalon's family has a history of yellow fever. Tia uses some form of seduction magic, and cleavage, on King Sorbo, and they are married in the next scene.At the reception, King Sorbo asks a massively bitter Zareta to read their fortune. Sadly, this does not lead to a catfight; instead Tia pushes her to the floor and storms off with King Sorbo in tow. Zareta's brother, a young priest named Ascalante, helps her up, and in the process notices a birthmark on Tia's leg. An evil birthmark.
Ascalante is played by Litefoot, a Cherokee who can boast both a Mortal Kombat 2 credit and an uncanny resemblance to Steven Seagal.In the bridal suite, Tia kills King Sorbo with some form of poison, magic, or poison magic kiss, then blames it on Zareta, who is promptly arrested. But in a shocking twist, we learn that King Sorbo wasn't killed after all, rather locked away in a dungeon at Enaros's temple. Tia gives seducing him another shot, since, hey, he's Kevin Sorbo. When this fails she leaves him in the custody of Enaros. Enaros leaves him in the custody of the semi-retarded apelike henchman. The semi-retarded apelike henchman, having no one to leave in charge, decides instead to let King Sorbo kill him and escape.
On his way out of the temple King Sorbo encounters Ascalante, who provides the backstory. Tia cannot be harmed by conventional weapons, and can only be sent back to hell with Vulca's breath, which can only be obtained on the Isle of Ice. First, the two plot a rescue of Zareta that relies heavily on King Sorbo running through town without anyone recognizing him. An electric guitar riff signals the beginning of the melee, and soon the two have Zareta in tow and are making their escape through a temple. Taligaro's guards stand them down, cueing another guitar-intensive battle scene. Ascalante refuses the sword offered by King Sorbo, instead grabbing a couple torches off the wall. Informing King Sorbo that as a priest, he cannot take a man's life, Ascalante proceeds to set half of the palace guards on fire.
After their escape, the three meet the sleazy merchant Juba, played by Harvey Fierstein in a rare turn as a homosexual. Harvey owes King Sorbo a favor, since King Sorbo was once used as slave labor on the oars of Harvey's ship and King Sorbo hasn't killed him yet. King Sorbo commandeers the fastest ship and sets off for the Isle of Ice with Harvey as hostage and comic relief. During the evening feast, King Sorbo forces Harvey to taste the food and drink first, fearing poison or roofies.
In a shocking twist, the wine is drugged after all. King Sorbo and company awaken tied up at the oars in a cruel irony, with Harvey mocking them. Unfortunately for Harvey, King Sorbo is so enraged he tears up the plank he was tied down to and rushes him. Even more unfortunately, none of the dozen guards on the ship are anywhere near them, nor in any rush to help out. King Sorbo has time to toss Harvey over the side, free the oarsmen, and enjoy a brief tender moment with Zareta before he dispatches the guards. Triumphant, the crew raises the sails for the Isle of Ice.
Docking inside a cave, King Sorbo, Zareta, and Ascalante reach the altar of Vulca. The room is filled with frozen heroes, because coming within a certain distance of the altar causes people to instantly freeze. Luckily, this effect also can be seen in steel, and King Sorbo is able to stay away. Zareta determines from an inscription on the wall that only a woman may approach the altar and receive the breath. Why she first must strip naked, I don't know.
After receiving the breath, Taligaro appears and reveals his plot to kidnap Zareta, use her to kill Tia, and then take the throne. A gripping power chord signals the beginning of a duel between King Sorbo and Taligaro. The fight ends as Taligaro kills Ascalante, abducts Zareta, and chops out a load-bearing stalactite on his way out, trapping King Sorbo in the cave-in. King Sorbo responds by grabbing an axe from one of the frozen warriors and attacking the altar of Vulca, which also doubles as the reservoir for the island. Water rushes into the room, and not only does King Sorbo not drown, but he is washed out safely to the boat.
Although every last man was slaughtered on his boat, King Sorbo manages to maneuver the craft home closely behind Taligaro. Back in Valusia, Ducalon complains to the 3000-year old evil sorceress that she is not treating him fairly, so Tia kills him. Taligaro arrives with Zareta, finally delivering the long-anticipated catfight. Tia throws Zareta to the floor and undergoes some form of mystical transformation into something that looks related to the evil aliens from Howard the Duck. King Sorbo arrives with his trusty axe and takes out Enaros and Taligaro. A mortally wounded Zareta kisses him, imparting Vulca's breath which apparently can now be carried by a man. King Sorbo kisses what are approximately Tia's lips, and destroys her once and for all, leaving him the only living thing in the temple.
Except Zareta, who recovered when the spirit of pure ice left her lungs. And Taligaro, who promptly takes her hostage. Sadly, Taligaro does not account for the powers of true love, which include unspoken communication. Like, "You should duck because I'm about to throw my axe at his head." After Zareta gets a chance to rinse some of the blood from her clothing, King Sorbo proposes. It is immediately vetoed by the priests as being against the code of the Legal Slab.
King Sorbo responds by swinging his axe into the fifteen-foot high, six-inch thick bronze tablet, which crumbles, symbolizing both that his reforms are inevitable, and that he is truly badass. Holding the axe aloft, he shouts, "With this axe, I rule!" which is something like martial law, except it hurts more. The movie fades out with the kind of raucous cheering you can only get from a crowd of people who don't want to take a battleaxe to the face.
I would have to say that this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.
2 comments:
I enjoy the fact that this was supposed to be a Conan film with Ah-nuld, but when he refused to sign on the filmmakers changed it to a Kull story (both characters were created by Robert E. Howard). In it, Conan had become the King of Aquilonia (as we saw in the foreshadowing in the first Conan film), instead of all the made-up shit in this film.
They could easily have replaced Conan with Bran Mak Morn, Black Turlogh, Solomon Kane or any of the other loner, mythic warriors that Howard wrote about. They were all pretty much the same. Except that Kane was a Puritan, um, and Conan believed in Crom.
Nothing gets my geek up like a discussion of Robert E. Howard. It's like I'm 11 all over again!
Earl: You are a complicated man. Me, I just like the axe.
And the Tia Carrere.
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