Starring: Dick Van Patten
Plot summary: The Blob is back! Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
The Blob (1958) was a fine movie, but by 1972 cherry jello was only so frightening. The American people needed a man, a man with vision, to update the science fiction classic to the go-go philosophy of the 1970s. Enter Larry Hagman, in between "I Dream of Jeannie" and "Dallas," to come in to direct the film that is truly, the sequel to The Blob.
The first hurdle JR had was casting the lead role. The original had Steve McQueen, but Hagman was able to land Robert Walker Jr. to play the teenager no one will believe. Maybe Captain Nelson didn't have the big names, but the scrappy director saw opportunities for improvement on the Blob franchise. The original Blob just sort of oozed. Boring. The original Blob attacked people. Predictable. The original Blob didn't set intricate traps for its victims. Unimaginative.
This Blob is a newer, hipper, more virile Blob. The opening credits play over footage of a kitten playing in a field. A cute little kitten, frolicking about. You think, no, they couldn't. That kitten can't suffer a horribly slow death consumed by a gelatinous blob not of this earth right after the credits finish. And it doesn't.
Instead we meet Chester and Mariane Hargis. Chester is a scientist returning from the Arctic, where he took a core sample of the 1958 Blob. Following standard operating procedure for scientific expeditions in the Arctic, he stores it in a thermos, brings it home and places it in the freezer, next to the ice cream. Mariane moves the thermos to the counter to put away the vegetables and forgets about it, wandering off to wrap a present for a friend's birthday. Soon the chunk of Blob thaws, pops off the lid, and escapes outside to play with the kitten.
Chester and Mariane are a nice young couple, but unfortunately, they are a young black couple in a monster movie. You like them, they even have a rather hip soul theme song, but the MPAA code is very strict on African American co-stars in early plot points of monster and/or action movies. Mariane walks out to look for the kitten, when the Blob comes out around the corner. Lurking. He sneaks up on her, then lunges.
Here is the departure from the 1958 Blob. Here is the genius that only JR Ewing possesses. The Blob is hip, imaginative, and dare I say it, pro-active. After digesting Mariane, the Blob oozes through the screen door to find Chester. While Chester is adjusting the rabbit ears, the Blob coats the easy chair, turning it into a recliner of slow death. It is a shame to be the second human to leave the film, but at least Chester falls victim to a scheme worthy of a James Bond villain.
The Blob goes off on a rampage, oozing throughout town destroying man and beast in new and inventive ways. While an ambiguous hairstylist washes his customer's hair, the Blob comes up the drain, turning the salon sink into a rinse of slow death. A fez-sporting Turk is taking a bath and sees his little dog eaten by the Blob, scaring him so deeply that he runs from his house without removing his fez or putting anything else on. In a barn the Blob relaxes below the chickens, accepting an almost disturbingly rapid stream of eggs before rising to claim the chickens as well. The Blob kills a costume party gorilla by blocking the road and enticing him to drive his hot rod at full speed into the enormous gelatinous mess. The Blob even cuts short the cameo of Dick Van Patten as a homosexual scout leader.
Meanwhile, we meet the main characters. These are the people with more than two lines, at this point consisting of Bobby (Robert Walker Jr.) and Lisa (Gwynne Gilford). Lisa has seen the Blob early on in the film, when it was just about the same size and shape as Chester, but Bobby just thinks his girlfriend is completely insane. He's polite though, and realizes the error of his ways when the Blob surprises them in their big ass yellow Chevrolet Jimmy. It envelops the Jimmy, and while the two kids panic and run laps inside the SUV they accidentally trip the air conditioning. The Blob retreats in pain, and the kids drive off, so psychologically strained by the experience that they completely forget that cold stops the Blob.
Bobby and Lisa attempt to warn the authorities, but Sheriff Jones (Richard Webb) simply refuses to believe that an enormous gelatinous entity from beyond the stars is consuming every living thing in the small town. Besides, just about everyone is at the bowling alley for a grand tournament or something, so anyone missing is probably just down there. Bobby and Lisa realize the horrible, horrible plot point that could develop, and rush off to the bowling alley to prevent mayhem. Unfortunately, the Blob has also heard the news, and oozes off to meet them.
Edward Fazio (Richard Stahl of Love Boat, High Anxiety, and various softcore pornography) is the true victim. Early in the film, the downtrodden bowling alley owner gets run off the road by the crazy teenagers, and suffers deep scratches all over his paint job. Later, in the middle of unloading crates of soda bottles from his badly scratched car, the teenagers once again cross paths with him, and barrel right over his bottles when he can't move them out of the way fast enough for them to warn the town of the impending doom. So much senseless damage, and no hope that the crazy kids will pay restitution.
So there they are, Bobby and Lisa, trying to warn people of imminent carnage despite a sheriff's department that doesn't believe them and a bowling alley owner that they have inadvertently tormented more than anyone in the town has been tormented. With the exception of the Blob victims.
The Blob enters through a window in the back of the bowling alley, just as two pinmonkeys are crawling up inside to fix the pinsetter. Pinmonkeys. Huh. The Blob corners the pinmonkeys and consumes them. It makes you wonder if maybe, just maybe, the Blob somehow sabotaged the pinsetter as part of the master plan. Just one of the questions that Captain Nelson provokes with his film, such as, "What has he got against animals?"
The kids warn everyone in the bowling alley that a giant red glop of gelatin is loose in the town, yet not a single person will believe them. Once the Blob comes oozing up the back of the lanes, though, the kids gain credibility and the sheriff is called in after most everyone in the alley has stampeded to freedom. The sheriff and his deputy go in with sawed off shotguns to defeat the Blob and save the last people stuck in the building, Bobby, Lisa, and Edward. The three have been cornered in the announcer's booth above the closed ice rink, and scream for assistance over the PA system. With their help the sheriff and deputy find the Blob and start shooting. Strangely enough, gunfire has little effect on jello and the deputy is consumed. The sheriff beats a tactical retreat the hell outside and prepares for Plan B. Plan B is waiting for the first indication that the people inside are dead, then dousing the building with gasoline and burning it to the ground. The PA shorts out, and the cops start the arson preparations.
Unaware that the sheriff's department has committed to their fiery death, the kids and poor Edward panic in the booth while the Blob attempts to enter through the number of cracks and holes in the floor. They knock open a cooler, scattering ice onto the floor and the rising Blob. This causes the Blob to retreat again. Cause and effect finally become clear in Bobby's mind, as well as the fact that they are trapped with the Blob in an ice rink. Bobby must make it to the control box on the other side of the rink. Luckily, there is a large network of ropes and cables attached to the ceiling, and Bobby starts scampering to freedom. The Blob tries to climb the ropes to stop him, but is as successful as most gym students. Bobby reaches the power switch to the freezing coils just as the Blob starts lunging towards him. Luckily, the ice rink is designed to freeze on a moment's notice, and freezes all twenty tons of Blob in just under two seconds, turning the red jello monster into so much meringue. Bobby walks out triumphantly, declaring, "It's going to be a better world without that thing," and completely ignoring the pain of Edward Fazio, "Who is going to pay for all this?" Who is going to pay for all of this, indeed.
I feel that as a public servant, it is my duty to make this announcement. Should any of you readers out there find yourself about to be interviewed regarding the destruction of a large alien life form, especially a blob-like alien life form, do not allow the reporter to interview you standing on the alien corpse. He or she will tell you it will make a great shot, but tell him or her to go screw him or herself. An alien is by definition life unlike you have ever seen, so how can you be sure you did not merely incapacitate it? Case in point: The reporter interviews Sheriff Jones atop the giant meringue that was once the Blob. Tragically, the hubris of interviewing atop the dispatched alien becomes evident when the hot stage light thaws the Blob, quickly flowing to the sheriff's boot. Sheriff Jones looks up to the camera and delivers a final line that has not yet gained the appreciation of a "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," or "Mein Fuhrer, I can walk!" but in years to come will gain proper respect: "What?"
In conclusion, I would have to say this is the greatest movie I have ever seen.
